Thanks for your email Anthony and reaching out to me like this. It is wonderful to finally have someone to talk to about these things who understands my situation.In your email you said ‘I guess the question arises Joe - what happens if you and the guy you occasionally have sex with fall in love and want to share a life together...what happens with your wife then????’To be honest this is what I really struggle with and it does really scare me at times. Whether you “fall in love” or not maybe depends on your age. The older you are, the less likely you would be so taken with another human being. Now I am older in life I don't think this will happen or that I would allow to happen.Joe.
From
my personal experience, and from the many gay men and women in straight marriages I’ve worked with, falling in love is
frequently the catalyst that jolts them out of denial
about their sexual orientation. Whilst many men will deal with this in midlife, age is not a determining factor it has
happened to men I have worked with in their 60's.
Some
though have successfully shut down the emotional part of their life. But
putting the lid on something is no guarantee that one day all the planets,
chemicals and triggers might align and the persons finds themselves hopelessly
in love for the first time in their lives.
For
many, up until the point of falling in love, we are happy to live with term bi
-assuming that because we have sex with our wives and sex with men on the side, makes us
bisexual. About 90% have sex with one woman many times and have sex with many
men once. This in itself should be
rather telling.
When you
really fall in love with another man everything changes. You not only
want to have sex with him, you want to spend time with him, know him, have
intimate conversations or just enjoy each others company in silence. You may
even want to grow old with him. It is at this point we realise that our homosexuality
is not about just sex but is far more profound, and is the very essence of who
we are. It is at this time many of us will use the term gay to describe
ourselves and the shame and guilt previously attached to the term begins to
disappear. The identity we chose to reject we are now willing to not only
accept but embrace.
If
we decide to stay in the heterosexual marriage we need to be aware that our
emotions are an area needing constant monitoring or possibly shut down all
together. Personally I think this is
sad. But I always respect people's personal choices as its their life
to live, not mine, but I think our choices need to be informed ones.
Up
until my 40th year I had managed to ensure that I never got emotionally
attached to another man. It was too dangerous - too much was at stake. In order
to do this successfully I made sure encounters were brief and that I never took
the risk by seeing a person a second time.
Just
a few weeks before my 40th birthday I was in a place in my life where I let my
guard down and the end result was that, for the first time in my life, I didn’t
experience sex with a man clouded with shame, regret and guilt - I experienced
something amazing, something I never knew was possible. That night was the turning point. Once I became to allow
myself to experience what had been awakened within me I didn't want to shut it down.
It was too beautiful and it was as though something inside of me had come to
life. The part that I'd tried to deny, control, suppress even destroy.
For
a brief while I regretted that encounter because of the long term implications but
in the long run I’m grateful it happened as I wouldn't be where I am at today
living openly and authentically.
I’m
not saying these things to scare you but just to make people aware of the
enormous difference between sexual behaviour/activity and our sexual
orientation.
Orientation
is about love, affection, intimacy, tenderness and partnering. So if we are
same sex oriented……we will only ever experience those things in their fullness
in a same sex relationship……not in one night stands….anonymous sex…..or casual
encounters with other men who need a sex fix……and rarely with a straight
partner.
LGBT Consultant and professional coach, working with gay, lesbian,
bisexual clients and those questioning their sexual identity
Strategic Coming Out -
Married & Gay - Faith Sexuality Conflict - Living Authentically – Life After
the Closet
FAQ's on coaching for people in mixed orientation marriages See my YouTube playlist on Being Gay in a Straight Marriage here.
FAQ's on coaching for people in mixed orientation marriages See my YouTube playlist on Being Gay in a Straight Marriage here.
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ReplyDeleteI am actually in almost the same situation as stated above. But in my case, I am not the married one, but the one who is in love with a married man. But unfortunately, the complexity of this feeling doubles as he is much older than me (about 40+ years age gap). We were madly in love with each other until the recent unexpected thing happened in our lives, where the wife found out. She took it very hard knowing that she has been living with a man who basically lied to her. All the dramas and unwanted situations began internally in their family, where in the end the wife decided she can't take it any longer, and decided to live separately. I have never ever felt so guilty in my life for being part of the causation. I was so devastated that it had to go this way, and it even come to a point where the person that I love even thought about committing suicide. But a few months after that incident, somehow we managed to reconcile and have been together since. Throughout those period of times, its undeniably hard for both of us, because he made a promise to his kids, that he would never ever tell lies anymore to them. But not telling lies does't mean that he will reveal the truth either. So in a way, though we're together almost every weekend, there are still unsettled feelings in him. Until very recently, when he had the chance to spend some time with his kids, something really unexpected happened to us. Somehow, I have been confronted by his son saying to me that I better stay away from his dad, or else it will be a police matter. I was in deep shocked by the confrontation, and those words said by his son keeps on playing in my head. And up to this point, I still have no idea whatsoever had happened. I really want to hear some answers from him, for the very least why is this happening, and if he genuinely decides to end this relationship. And right now, I have developed a very serious depression in me, because of the fact that I couldn't understand or even know what has happen. I'm not exactly writing this to find an answer from anybody, but I just feel like writing this to help me feeling better I guess.
ReplyDeletehi there.....I'm so glad you posted your comment. It certainly is a very challenging situation that you are in. No doubt your partner is also going through a lot of emotions. I wonder if he is getting some help as well. These situations are not uncommon and there is help out there for all of you but of course it depends where you live. If you want to email me confidentially then I'd be happy to talk some more. anthony@abbi.org.au
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